Mindless Chatter (do you have 5 minutes?)

All I have today are several thoughts all loosely held together by the fact that they are mine. 

 

~I had girls night with my two best girlfriends tonight (plus my son). It was really fun. We had dinner and then cookies and chatted for hours. There were four of us in high school who were inseparable. They were like my sisters then, and it’s nice to see them and reconfirm in my heart that they still are. I feel like myself around them; silly and goofy and completely honest. I’m grateful to have friends like that. My very best friend, my soul mate in a lot of ways, is across the “pond” in Europe, and I miss her terribly. She would have enjoyed this evening of gabbing and goodies. 

~Isn’t it an odd thing, how a person can be miserable, and pour their heart onto the page? Yet as soon as this person has a good day, a happy day even, they completely forget to record the happiness in words. I find I do that often, which makes me wonder if I focus on negativity too much.

~I’m having an incredibly hard time buying a car, its stressful and easy to feel discouraged with the economy literally failing good, honest and hard working people. People trying to raise families and survive. I’m trying to stay positive, but it’s definitely hard. Could it be worse? Yes. I’m fortunate enough to have friends and family willing to give me rides, come to me to pick my son up, let me borrow their cars for errands. It’s an entirely new sensation to ask people for favors. I’ll get better at it I’m sure, but for now I feel like a burden!

~I had a Starbucks hot Apple Chai Tea today. Way too expensive (I was having a weak spending moment) but it was SO delicious!

~I’m lonely as hell. I miss my sons father, I miss my friends back West, and I miss my own son when I’m not with him. It’s strange being in a home minus one (noisy) person. But instead of taking this negatively, I realize this is me trying to find a new balance. Being comfortable in your loneliness is an essential thing in my opinion. I haven’t have the chance to practice this “skill” (if you will), so here it is for me, all laid out with no strings attached. And as quiet is it is, I sort of like it. Are those my thoughts I hear? : )

~My son has been video chatting with his father. So far, so good, although I wish he could/would express more excitement for his fathers sake. His father says it okay, but when my little guy runs in the other direction rather than saying “hi”, “bye” or “love you dada”, it’s pretty heart breaking to watch. I never wanted to cause my ex any pain, especially in the area where our son is concerned, I just wish he would express some excitement and love for his father when given the chance. Then again, he’s young, and it’s a hard age to control ANYTHING they do, much less what they feel or how they express those feelings!

~I’m terrified to date. So scared. I don’t even want to do it. How do you even go about it? “Hey i have a child by the way.” I have a feeling that the only guys looking to date woman with children either have children themselves, or are creepy. No man goes looking for a woman with a child already. Ugh. I just don’t want to go down that road yet. My son and I need time to bond and grow and get comfortable with our new life. No men allowed!

That’s about all I have, take it or leave it! Just rambling!

xo

September mama

I suppose I should write something. I’m one of those types. You know, the internalizers. I keep it to myself  most of the time. I know if I allow myself to, I will take this whole experience and file it away under “difficult” or “heartbreak” and save it for another day. I fear these folders grow at such a rate that I may never be able to open them, without completely crumbling under the sheer pain and weight of such emotion. So today, I will write.

The first days after the ex left were strange, quiet and surreal. I had a week off from work which created an unnecessary amount of free time to think, and to feel. Such an odd contrast, one moment falling to pieces (how could he be so selfish??) and the next contently reading a magazine from cover to cover, and basking in the ability to do it. Then in the midst of it all, even with my son playing noisily in the living room, I realized that this was it. I am finally alone. I am completely alone in my thoughts. I do not have to share them. No one will ask me what I’m thinking. No one will question my plans for the day. Why I decided to take this route instead of that way. (does it really matter how we get there as long as we do?) No one to look at me sideways when I take a second piece of pie, of anything for that matter.

I am alone. I am independent. It’s invigorating and uplifting. It’s freeing. It’s scary as hell, but it’s good to be scared. It keeps you alive.

There are at least twenty things I should be doing right now. My son is building a mounting pile of toys throughout the house. I’m fairly certain he’s transplanted them all from his bedroom. My kitchen sick is (ahem) in need of attention. Mail to open, bills to pay. Hey, don’t I still need a car? Yes, there are at least twenty things to worry about. 

But I could probably muster up the ability to find twenty things to be happy for, to be thankful for. So I will.

1. My son is sneezy and grumpy, but he’s healthy and loved and he knows it.

2. My kitten in general. She’s sweet and feisty, soft and warm and I can’t imagine our home without her silly pressence.

3. After my son is asleep, I am allowed a moment to sit and unwind.

4. My mom, oh how I love her! It doesn’t matter how many times I tell her to leave me alone, that I am fine, she still calls to remind me she’s there if I need her.

5. The book I am reading, “Eat, Pray, Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert is exactly what I need right now. It was practically written for me. I’m so thankful I put it down two years ago when I bought it. I wasn’t ready then.

6. Christmas decorations that I still have not taken down (yes, I promise I will). I love Christmas more than any other holiday, and it gives me great comfort and peace of mind to see them warm the rooms of my home. Just a day longer?

7. My neighbor upstairs. I was positive she hated us, but then she showed up Christmas eve with goodies and a card and Christmas music! Aww! It’s nice to know such a kind soul lives so close by.

8. I found the worlds best Pumpkin pie recipe; which happens to be my favorite pie in the world. Yay! (psstt…it’s that recipe on the back of “One Pie” cans of pumpkin! The New England style pie! Weird I know but YUM!)

9. I go back to work today! Never thought I would be so excited!

10. My best friends. They are amazing, no matter where they are, and they keep me afloat half the time. I’m so thankful.

11. My best friend’s families. They may as well be my own.

12. I may not have a mode of transportation yet, but I live so close to a grocery store (and a post office, a pet store, a CVS AND a RiteAid) that I could lean my son out our window and HE could SNEEZE on them!

13. Hot Cocoa.

14. My LL Bean boots. And a white Christmas, for the first time in 4 years!

15. When you ask my son what a boat is, he replies “Boap!” It makes me smile every time.

16. I have a rambling sort of friend, who spends his winters teaching at a ski resort on the West coast. I love this friend very much, and while at times I am at times jealous of his adventures, of the woman he meets and the freedom he must feel, I am also thankful that he has followed his dreams. What is it they say about a caged bird and his wings…?

17. Did I mention pumpkin pie? Just thought I’d bring that one back, because I really, really do appreciate pumpkin pie!

18. I am so thankful to have my own room, my own space, my own closet and dresser! All for me! Weeee!

19. My manager at work is interesting. In equal parts, he challenges me, pisses me off, and inspires me to be as true to myself. It seems he is a pretty misunderstood man, yet I have seen his moments of humanity. I will take the time to get to know him better.

20. Me. I’m grateful to be me. I’m so happy to have the spirit within to stand tall in the face of the scariest time in my life. I may cry a little at the end of the day, but I smiled the whole way through, and that won’t ever change.

Thank you for reading through to the end. Have a beautiful day.

September Mama

Are You Going To Finish Strong?

If he can, than so can I. 

HGTV Dream Home Giveaway Sweepstakes

Enter To Win the HGTV Dream Home!

Our adventure starts today!

 

In our home this afternoon, everything is business as usual. Surprisingly so, my ex and I are acting like nothing is about to happen. Going about as though today were any other day. In a few hours, we will see him off, and I know that afterwards, I will likely fall apart. Why? Why will I if I don’t love him? It sounds selfish doesn’t it? Yes, well it feels that way too.

I’ve years with him now, secluded away from people I grew up with because I lived so far away for so much of that time. I grew up in ways only he understands, and simulatniously never really grew up at all.

So I’m terrified of what is to come. I’ve never lived alone. I’ve never been the sole caretaker to our son. I feel the uphill climb ahead of me, and I know what it will take. I have everything I need at my dispense, I’m back in my hometown after all! All the people who love me are around me, ready to help if need me. Yet I feel more alone right now than I did in all the years I was away. 

And yes, I am complaining. I’m feeling sorry as hell for myself right now. 

It’s okay though, I know it will pass. I know I can overcome this. Ultimately, this experience will enrich our lives; when the shock has finally worn off, and I’ve actually figured “this” all out (as in life!) I will be happier for it. It will influence change and personal development that no man could ever influence! And H Man will know how much he is loved, by his father, me, everyone in his life. He won’t be affected the way I was as a child, because protecting him is my first priority.

I know I will want to cry at all the worst moments, in the middle of the grocery store, at work, when my son is trying to show me something he is proud of. But I refuse to allow my fear to strangle out my independence, my pride, my ferocious sense of motherhood! 

NOTE TO SELF: You are greater than you ever imagined!

The day I gave my heart away!!

Because I refuse to go to bed tonight with any negativity in my heart, here are a few more pictures, of the day I met my precious angel for the first time. I remember holding him so close. I still remember how small his little hands were, how delicate his nails, how soft his body. He needed me, and for the first time in my life, I knew what true love felt like. I couldn’t stop looking at him, so intoxicated by his presence I was!

 

 

 

A Picture

 

A photo from a series of photos that I took one evening

while my son and his father read books together.

How does he expect this child to say good bye?

How will I, on my own, possibly fill this void??

 

Mama, you never said it would be this way.

Its 4 pm, roughly, as I sit in front of this computer. My son is in his bedroom, safe, warm, asleep and oblivious to the fact that his father will be leaving in 24 hours. He is moving away, leaving us, and I still haven’t told my 2 year old son. I don’t know what type of private, quiet “conversations” he and his father have shared. I’m not sure if my ex has tried to explain, and if he has, I’m not fully sure our boy could understand.

I’m trying, struggling, to keep this as much about my son as I can. After all, I was the one who didn’t want the relationship with my ex anymore. I pushed him away. I can see how someone could assume me to be the bad guy, though, in this situation I can not be sure there even is one.

It’ not about me, how I’m terrified of being alone. How I’ve never own my own car, or even maintained one. It’s not about me, and I need to keep remembering that. Without realizing it though, each thought involving my son’s future is followed by another more startling, scary thought. I have to pay rent. I have to buy groceries. I have to get up each morning the moment my son does, no matter how late I got out of work the night before. Every time something breaks, I have to figure out how to fix it. Crap, I don’t know how to fix anything!

And it’s selfish, of this I know. It’s selfish and bratty, and there are millions of woman who do it everyday, and I’m sure a whole bunch of them who actually manage to raise their children right, despite their hardships. But me….I’m standing on the edge of it all. about to jump. My heart is raw, my piggy bank empty, and annoyingly, I don’t own a car. So I’m scared, and right now, I’m pretty freakin’ positive I’m allowed to be.

But through my fear, I hang on to the most important purpose I have known in my life. I swear to myself, to you, and most importantly to my little man, that I’ll never stray too far from that.

I am a Mother. I love my little guy more than anything in the world. More than anything I own or anyone I’ve ever loved or ever will. His smile fuels my most instinctual maternal rumblings, and my sole responsibility is to provide for and love him, regardless of what surrounding conditions take place. In this I am fierce, and solid and unwavering. My love will always be his cocoon.

So this is my blog. I’ve started it for a variety of reasons, but primarily because I need a place to complain, to cry and to laugh. To share my triumph and find those who understand me. Other single mothers, or fathers perhaps, who will read this and smile and think “I know exactly what she’s talking about.” So join me, or don’t, for my first year as a Single Mother.

xo

September Mama